If I had to very concisely update you I’d say from my heart (not my ego), “I appreciate this expereince. I’m excited to feel complete with my journey here in order to offer gratitude to the experience, cherish it as a unique and transformative 21 day journey and move forward in my life expanding into all the desires and pleasures I have always wanted to manifest, which would bring completion to my souls experience here on earth!”
I have to admit, on my 24+hour hiatus, I finally had some transformation. I realized how much I really didn’t want to be here. How trapped and controlled I felt and how my relationship with the universe/God/swami, whomever, is very personal to me and one I like to nourish alone in nature dialoging with myself and doing self-healing rituals, then return back to a life of pleasure, play and expansion. I realized how much I do not honor my greatness. Yes there are moments, but I always have an unsettling feeling that I’m not great enough (I do not accept myself for who I am today, but only accept me for who I can be). I’m a goal setter. I’m a striver. This entire program has confirmed my healing abilities as a Naturopathic Doctor, my intuitive process work and how I create expansion in my life. It has reminded me of the value of staying open to learning because that fuels expansion, but for me to really OWN my greatness, be complete with what I currently have to offer knowing I will continuously be expanding and evolving and that in any area of my life that I am not expanding, to continue pushing myself toward more greatness from a place of completion verse irritation, lack, fear or incompletions.
So, I spent the morning (2 mornings ago) not following the schedule of puja and satsung and went to the blessing pond to have a one on one session with myself. I’m really good at pushing myself to expand, so to create the space I needed for my expansion was just what the Doctor ordered! Literally!
I had a pretty amazing realization in addition to what I just wrote. I realized how complete I am in my life. I’m doing it right! I think my expectation of the program was to be blown away, have all these self realizations and feel like my life was going to change drastically and I’d wake up with miracles in my pocket, but truth is, I’ve spent the last 15 years making completions, sharing my stories, diving into my emotions, stretching myself to grow. I am a complete being. What the program has offered me is completion to my completions and some great reminders, tips and tools to live an enriching life. And hopefully, the energetic boost to manifest my every desires. I think just now, for me, the real work will begin! Learning how to slough off any inhibiting thought patterns and manifest the greatness I desire seamlessly in my life!
Last night we went through the death process. The death process was actually rather blissful and full of love for me, but when I was guided to return back to my body, I freaked out. This was my first “internal rattling I’ve had” (minus my constant struggle with staying or going, but you will see it is all related).
My first thought was, I don’t want anything or anyone to negatively effect my experience here on earth. I don’t want my happiness taken from me. I want my life to feel and look perfectly the way I want it. I don’t want anything to be taken away from me; my experiences, my desires, my wants, my happiness. I felt more attached to my experience here on earth and agitated, fearful, angry and powerless that I didn’t have control over my life, decision, happiness and experience. I felt afraid of being controlled. I felt as if life was attacking me. It made me want to be alone so I could be safe and my surrounding could be controlled and calm. And that is when I discovered the blood line to my root pattern. This was the moment I finally said to myself, this is worth being here. I want that deep fear eradicated from my every being, so I have the ability to easily manifest and receive everything I desire.
I enjoy a life of freedom, expansion, music, food, smells, travel, sound, dancing, healing, doctoring and adventure. I enjoy playing through life! Begin here alone has challenged that and brought to light a version of my deepest fear. Next step: really dive into the Mamakara and Suankara of my root pattern.