My mind is swirling.
Should I stay or should I go?
I came all this way, but something doesn’t feel right. I can’t get into it- the entire expereince. That’s not really like me. I’m extremely curious and adaptable. Part of me is not to excited that we will be doing LandMark type of group work, mainly because I have done self-development seminars similar to LandMark and I was traveling across the world for a very different expereince. And, I say this kindly, I listen to people and help solve their problems all day long (which I love), but the last thing I want to do is sit in a lecture hall and have group therapy. I came to expand ME and to support the amazing relationship I’m in! I didn’t come to hear other people acknowledge their internal pain for the first time and solve their problems for 21 days. Sorry if that sounds harsh. It’s the truth.
Plus, I happen to be really great at process work. I take the time in my daily life to form completions, face my fears, seek support from other healers, natural medicine doctors & their remedies and I practice self development daily as I challenge each patient to constantly be improving their health and well-being as well. So I question, am I really going to get anything out of doing more process work in India?
I was imagining healing and expansion beyond my knowing, not support groups.
Not wanting to allow my assumptions and ego to make a hasty decision, I asked to speak with the head director. She claims that it makes all the difference doing”the work” with an enlightened master in your presence. Sounded promising. I’d like to believe that, but how do you know? What should I expect? I pushed my internal intuition aside (we will call it the doubting mind for the sake of this program) and revisited who cares, you’re here. Lets get as much as I can out of it! Let’s go for it!
In the spirit of going with the flow, Kailen and I went to the Banyon tree, the temple, sat in on puja (Hindu offering) and satsung (the sermon). We met a couple of the IA attendees and more sinyasies (women ashramites) and began to settle in.
Except we weren’t settled. The people are nice no doubt. It’s not like we are miserable. We are just wondering if we will get what we came for. I began to move into observation mode to really assess the situation in its entirety so I could make a stable decision for me! The atmosphere is very stifling and suppressed. Very regimented. I do not feel in alignment with the belief system (not that it bothers me, I just don’t know if that is part of really connecting with the program and I’m not so sure I want to pay 6 thousand dollars for an experience that isn’t pleasurable and fulfilling). I don’t have a deep internal need or calling to be enlightened or to have my Karma cleansed. Things always seem to work out for me, so I’m assuming I have great Karma. And, I say this with the utmost respect, I’m just not attracted to the culture. It is fascinating to be here, but for a day or two. It’s an experience I am honored to have and be a part of, but lets be honest, we all know I am a Latin girl. I like loud, I like music, dancing, passion, sexuality, expression, colors, smells, the body, movement, expression, food.
So, I sit here contemplating. Do I stay or do I go? It truly is the oddest thing- my inability to fully embrace my previously chosen expereince. I have traveled and/or lived all over the world- Thailand, Australia, New Zealand, Italy, Panama, Mexico, El Salvador, Honduras, Nicaragua, Sailed the Northern Caribbean Is, Peru, Tokyo, Singapore, England, Canada, all over the US. I LOVE CULTURE! I love experiencing and amercing myself in different cultures, but I am struggling with my existence here. What is that about?